Since my marriage is planned for later this year, today is my last birthday as a single, sexy, smart, superra (I went to chennai, remember?), sweet, sensational, lovely, most amazing, superra (oh I already said that one) OK I'll stop here stop rolling your eyes people! I must say it's been one of the best birthday ever. It began with a lovely bowl full of pink carnations and a cake being delivered at my door ordered by the lover-boy-soon-to-be-husband from Chennai and ended with dinner at Hyatt, the place where I've religiously donated most of my salary month on month. I have a strong feeling the lover boy is being naughty and is dating some madrasi chick in Chennai, I see no other reason for him to send my favourite flowers and a cake, our marriage is fixed and he is a sindhi! Only an affair would explain such behaviour on his part. I will surely get to the bottom of this *rubbing chin and eating gajar in karamchand style *. Anyhoo another most lovely surprise was a treasure hunt my friend who is staying over at my place organised. She handed me the first chit which has the clue for the second chit and so on and so forth I ran around my house looking for my gift which turned out to be a very sweet idol of Radha Krishna which she hopes I will keep in my new house as a married madrasi auntie :) without such friends where would we be now!

As if friends and family weren't enough even strangers made my day. Congress did their best to surprise me, but I had sort of anticipated the rise in Sensex. So here is me saying cheers to my last birthday as a Miss. I will Miss thee my dear single hood. Here is one more picture of the lovely Carnations coloured with the cheating boyfriends guilt. The image quality is not too great as it's taken on my new cell phone which is again gifted by the lover boy, wait a minute, I can see clearly now, he definitely is cheating on me! *jumping with joy * If he is cheating on me, maybe my single hood won't end after all! YAY!

The bindaas bum-baiya er that is me is stuck in Chennai to spend sometime with the love of my life. * sigh * of all places I am in Chennai on holi. However instead of being sullen I decided to make the most of the sambhar-idli-vada situation I am in. My parents always gush about how I was a very fast learner and keeping up to my bachpan ka habits I am learning very fast to survive in chennai too.

Now the most difficult thing about being in chennai is dealing with the dark, sweaty, lungi clad auto rickshaw drivers here. But ha! in just a few days I have learnt to deal with them.

Consider this dialogue today:

Me: Besant Nagar, Murugan Idli shop pagatla. (Meaning close Besang nagar close to murugan idli shop)

Auto driver: Something in Tamil which I suppose means: oh you bleedhy Hindi speaking nut I will take you to besant nagar!

Me: Ayevalo (Meaning how much)

Auto driver: Fifty rupees madam.

Me: * Giving auto driver a look that you would give to a kid who has just peed on you favourite newly vaccumed rug * Tch roomba jaasti.

Auto driver: Something in Tamil which I think means: Oh come on! You look like you are from mumbai, you pay such heavy rents there, why can't you just shut up and pay the exorbitant charges I am asking you!

Me: * Still giving him the look which says you disappoint me bugger * No, roomba jaasti. Rs.30 Only.

Auto driver: Something in Tamil which I think means : You are such a mean lady. You can spend on Channel and MAC but you would not support my drinking and I just drink the cheapest stuff available at the local liquor store!

Me: (By this time I get irritated) Poda...poda! (Which means get lost you bugger )

Auto driver: Ok ok Rs.30.

Heheheh you see? I have not become proficient in such bargaining that I have managed to save total of Rs.55 in about a week of me being here, if I stay longer I might just end up saving enuff to buy my own car. Heh! So people the step by step survival techniques can be obtained from the above mentioned conversation.

Step 1: No matter how much the auto quotes you need to give him a very stern * you disappoint me * look.

Step 2: No matter what happens you need to bring down the rate by at least 40 to 50%

Step 3: No matter what happens please do not say poda my Tamil speaking friends have been trying to explain that it is highly insulting specially if it come from women that too beautiful women.

Happy travelling.

I think I am ready to be thrown in one of the loony bins now. Friends who know me know my love for shopping and also my extreme love for shopping knick knacks for my er non existing house (as of now). I have a closet full of these sweet little things that cost some sweet money. I have these jewelry boxes I picked up in Kodai, small knitted scissor cases I picked up from Chennai, fancy wall hangings and the loveliest small show pieces I picked in Faridabad, I have even bought small little kullhars for tea from Calcutta.All to be used when I buy a house fancy enough to use all these collectibles. * sigh * You get the drift.

Yesterday I think I went to far. While browsing through Victoria Technical Institute in Chennai, I fell in love with couple of cute little pink vests for new born baby girls. Now I am not anywhere close to having kids in the next 5 years but still I almost bought them thinking I can always store them for the next 5 years and if I have a baby boy instead of a girl I can always dress him in those cute pink vests with lovely pink handcrafted lace and small rabbits in the centre. * sigh * Someone pliss throw me in a loony bin before I end up buying stuff I will use couple of decades from now, I am running out of storage space!

I think that's what they should have named Delhi 6. Such terrible terrible movie. I am surprised that this movie has got so many good reviews. Unbelievable. I wonder if it is really a good movie and there is something wrong with me for having hated it so much! Dear readers please tell me you hated the movie as well.

I had come back from a wedding in Faridabad, for which I travelled through Delhi but didn't get a chance to see it or meet the mad momma. Something about the city was lovely, maybe it was the wide roads and narrow rickshaws peddled by men or the lovely cold weather. So I already had Delhi on my mind and then I heard the song which says 'Ye shehar nahi mehfil hai' . That's it. I had to see Delhi 6. When I think of it now, I hate being so overtly sentimental and enthusiastic about a line in a song. After seeing this movie I have images of ram leela running all year long at all possible places in Delhi and people running around clicking away on their Motorolas!

The day before I saw this awful Motorola's advertisement of a movie, I saw the movie billu. Let me tell you it's very difficult to decide which one is worse! My lost faith in bollywood just got lost some more. The only thing good about the movie Billu was the dinner we had before it. I went for this movie with my looniest friends who never leave on time due to which we had to get parcels from subway etc and eat it in the rickshaw. Occasionally with my mouth full from a huge bite of the chicken sheekh sandwich and my face covered with thousand island dressing I would yell at the driver "Bhaiya jaldi chalao humari bahut important meeting hai!" Fine dining it was.

Tired of me badgering him to drive fast he asked "Meeting hai ke koi show hai." to which I replied "Meeting hai bhiya Shahrukh ke saath." I must say it was terrible meeting both Shahrukh and Abhishek. I want my money back and some diamonds too as compensation :(

I always have had a strong feeling that some freaks up there watch me all the time and every now and then they decide to have a laugh or two at my expense. Long ago, in the comforatable land called parent's home, I was a princess, I travelled in a private rickshaw to school and my college was very close to home so there had been no exposure to travelling in Mumbai's local train, which according to me is not a mode of transport but some experiment conducted by highly frustrated aliens. One evening a friend of mine Anju* (another princess like me) and I were returning from a friend's house which was close to the Ulhasnagar station, instead of walking all the way over to the station and crossing the bridge we decided to cross the railway tracks . Now no sensible person should cross the tracks so it would be safe to say we qualified to cross the railway tracks.

It was late in the evening and there were no lights on the tracks. Now Ulhasnagar station has two railway tracks with little space between them and almost no space on the sides. As we walked ahead we realised that there was a train coming on the track we were walking on. We quickly ran onto the other track only to realise there was a train coming on that one too. In a fit of confusion we stupid girls jumped onto the side instead of lying low in the space between the two tracks.

On the side that we were standing was a small gutter and the only way we wouldn't be hit by the train was our standing in the gutter. Anju being the sensible smart princess jumped right in to save her life and I being the loony princess thought it would be better to be run over by the train then stand in the gutter. Hmph. *slaps people who rolled their eyes *

So now the freaks watching me don't like the attitude, they feel it is their prime duty to teach me that 'Jaan hai toh Jahaan hai' (Loose translation: The world is if there is life, er or something like that, anyways I said loose translation, didn't I?) As the train approached Anju shrieked and begged me to step into the gutter, but I refused steadfastly. Her highness would not step into dirty gutter!

The train kept coming closer and closer till it was in my face and the railing of the train hit me first and put me off balance and zhhhhhhhooooooop I dived head first into the gutter * slaps people clapping at the unexpected turn of events * I survived unhurt, not a single broken bone, not a single scratch but fully soaking in the gutter in which I refused to set my lovely feet in. Now I have learnt my lesson no point in avoiding little troubles of life as the people watching me from above will throw me right and very deep into them if I resist. So troubles are now met with a lovely smile and a quick jump :) and it goes without saying I always well almost always use the bridge to cross over a station.

One bright morning a very sweet roommate of mine came back from the kitchen looking sad and exasperated. According to me our kitchen is a place where people generally are happy to visit, so when I asked her the reason for her exasperation she replied, “This new roommate doesn’t understand my jokes.” Most sad situation to be in I must say, when you crack a silly pj and have to explain it to people! At least they should do is pretend to find it funny! Apparently this sweet roommate who happens to be a deadly singer (quiet literally, people die when she sings) joked while gargling that it was time for her morning riyaaz, to which the not-understanding-jokes roommate responded “Oh, so you do riyaaz?” Tch tch tch.

The sweet roommate and the not-understanding-jokes roommate have left and now I live with someone who doesn’t understand my jokes *gasp*. Has anyone of you seen this episode of Sienfeld where he is dating a girl who never laughs at his jokes, I think it was called The switch. I’m living with that girl, no not the one who acted in that episode, duh. I’m living with someone who doesn’t laugh, at least not at my jokes *sigh*. I have recently fallen in love with a pair of Fendi sunglasses, which I can order from http://www.apni-aukat-main-reh.com/ however I have membership to only www.boyfriend=cashcow.com so I guessed its best I ordered from there and for that I have come up with a brilliant plan.

I am not too fond of gold and I don’t see myself being thrilled by a mangalsutra [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mangalsutra]. So I feel that when the boyfriend and I get married and the pandit says “Abhi app vadhu ko mangalsutra pehnao.” He should just put the Fendi on my eyes instead of tying the mangalsutra around my neck.

See the sunglasses will definitely be cheaper than any Mangalsutra I pick, so that way I am guessing the boyfriend will be happy to save money if we buy sunglasses instead of mangalsutra and I will be the happiest bride ever wearing my favorite Fendi! * beams with joy at the very thought of it *. However when I told this brilliant plan to my new roomie she just looked at me as if I had just told her the number of cockroaches that died since 1986. No laugh, no smile, no expression! Gah! I feel the look on peoples faces when they would see a new bride wearing Fendi sunglasses instead of mangalsutra would be very funny but the new roomie apparently doesn't have a sense of humour :(

So, now my only option is to come and tell you people of all my brilliant plans in life. At least I can ass-u-me that you guys laugh while you may actually give those blank irritated looks to your screens. Tch tch tch poor you peoples, look what internet is doing to you. Heh.

Edited to add:

A friend from Singapore whose name I must not mention as her husband also reads this blog :D just pointed out that getting sunglasses as mangalsutra will also mean that I will be married only during the day, during the night I can be happy and single. Also my marriage will get a seasonal off, during the rainy season I can get naughty. Ah! I always new my ideas are puuurfect!

One of the weekends last month, beau and I went to Inorbit in Malad, as I walked by the perfume section, I sighed when I looked at Davidoff's Cool waters. I have been wanting this perfume (?) for a very long time now. But somehow my mind is not tuned to spending for this one. I pay almost double that amount for anyone to do my hair *gasp* but no for the parfum somehow my purse strings won't loosen up. So I stood there watching it and sighing for a longish time almost on the verge of being physically dragged away from there by the security personnel when suddenly I had this brilliant idea.

Say I were to buy this parfum..perfume..whatever(!) still I would not really be happy as I am not comfortable spending that much for it. So that would mean I would be miserable even if I bought it. Then why spend that kind of money and be miserable? I thought Diwali was around the corner and if I choose to give away that money or buy gifts for people out of it, people I don't know and people who don't expect a thing from me, 30 strangers.Wouldn't that be great? So thus I began. I had to find 30 people and gift them either money or some gift each and I am sure their smiles would make me way more happier than owning cool waters :) This decision made my mind is off buying cool waters( for now that is). I thought how would I decide who to give the money/gifts to, as in how do I decide who deserves a surprise buck but then I realised what an ass I am being, it's just a small sum of money, I mean frankly I am quite lucky to be living a very luxurious life and I don't know if I have done anything per se to deserve it, yet God has been kind enough, so even I would just give away the gifts without analysing who deserves it or some such bull.

The first person was the delivery guy from a restaurant close by, this guy is a teenager, quietly he delivers the food, collects the payment and leaves every time without even looking up. This time when I tipped him, he looked blankly at me, I wished him "Happy Diwali" and there in his smile, in the way his face lit up, I knew cool waters can wait, these smiles are much more cooler. My Diwali was mucho happy that way, such are the virtues of selfishness because I didn't do this as charity or out of kindness but out of pure selfishness to be able to buy a lot of happiness from my money which otherwise would have been spent on some perfume and best part is I have only begun, I am down with six smiles, there are twenty-four more to go *does the hippy hippy shake*.

I hope all of you had a great Diwali too.

No. This isn't a review of the movie. Actually this post is not about the movie at all. The Saturday beau and I went for this movie, we choose to go for the last show (11.15 pm) so that we could have an unhurried dinner and catch the movie at ease. But no, thanks to the rising number of insensitive parents it was not to happen.Right behind our seats was this couple who bought their barely-one and a half-year old kid! Throughout the movie the kid kept screaming and kicking our seats so we missed some of the dailogue and kept shifting uncomfortably. The beau suddenly yelled a 'Susssssh' to the kid and I yelled at him, the kid won't be able to sush specially if he is to sit in one place for about 2 hours in the dark watching a very violent movie. An irritate beau replied the sush was for the parents * rolls eyes *.

I tried my best to let it be but I have had enough of stupid parents bringing kids to late night movies which are totally not suitable for kids, so I decided to take this up with the parents during interval. Here is the conversation:

The first thing I asked them was, "Forget about how much it's disturbing us, but isn't it unacceptable to bring a two year old for a violent movie like Body of lies and that too for a late night show, shouldn't the kid be in bed or atleast at home at this hour?"

Stupid Father replies "No, No, No, he is not even two, so we bought him." My jaw dropped and at that point I felt like tying him up and torturing him but his wife was even more irritating (match made in heaven, I say) and torturing two people in a short span of 10 mins( the interval time) would be difficult so I let go.

Stupid Mom (Making a sad face): "There is no one to look after him at home, so we bought him, we see very few movies." ( I'm sure thats such a huge sacrifice. *sniff sniff*)

Me: "But then why don't you watch them on DVD?

Stupid and Mother both Father start rambling about how they totally have the right to torture their kid and disturb other movie goers. Stupid Mom: "Are you trying to tell us that we should not see movies in a theatre."

Me(Without skipping a beat): YES! Do you even have to ask!

At this point the interval ended and we ended the discussion there. During the second half of the movie we actually played a bit with the baby, what to do * sigh * you can't beat(quite literally) these insensitive parents atleast you don't take it out on the poor kid, such a deadly combo of parents he is got. I swear one more time I encounter parents like these I am going to snatch their kid from them! After all loony parents should be anyday better then stupid parents! HMPF.

Early morning I received an sms from a friend wishing me a Dhashera free of all evils, I read it as free of Elvis and wondered did Elvis ever sing some bad dhashera songs, of which my dear friend wants to free me, only to realize that it's evils he was taking about. Heh, thus began the whole fusion on my Dhashera 2008. Our house has lots of Ganesha idols and generally people remark that as per vaastu there should just be a single Ganesha in the house, so we decided to unite all of them and pray to them for helping us loose weights and the terrorists to gain immense weight. Since weight loss is such a tough and time consuming task we figured if the terrorists gained weight they would have no time for terrorizing junta. My friend remarked looking at our make shift temple "Isn't it Dhashera today?" Well what to do! As kids we were taught that all Gods are one, so instead of Durga Mata we worshiped our dear Ganeshaji and we seriously hope our prayers are answered.

After that thanks to the punju roommate who cooks sexy Italian food we ate a lovely Italian lunch (pasta, garlic bread et al). We did get white wine to go with the food but well er, we didn't have a wine opener and ended up having cranberry juice instead. The wine sits nicely in our fridge and to honour it we will cook a deserving meal this weekend I hope.

She had a long shower. It was a lazy Sunday after all. Coming out of the bathroom, she caught a glimpse of herself in the huge, full length mirror on the bathroom door. She had always hated that mirror, suddenly she realized she hated mirrors in general. They told her more than she needed to know. She was never a looker and then she slowly became too fat, too ugly, too old. Sigh. But she knew she was beautiful, her eyes made her that.

As she looked closely she realized that the eyes that stared back at her from the mirror were not hers. It was unnerving. She looked again, closely, those were definitely not her eyes. In school one of her class teachers always scolded her " I know you are up to something I can read it in your mischievous eyes." on some other days when she was quietly trying to grasp the formulas being dished out by this very teacher, suddenly she would look up to the teacher and the teacher would complain " You have such mischievous eyes!" It was so funny to watch her teacher fume like that.

She knew she could talk through her eyes.She felt betrayed by the display of her emotions sometimes, her eyes told everything like it was. Her eyes would laugh when she was thinking of something funny, her eyes would drool when she saw the guy in office she had a crush on for the last 5 years. When she was angry the fury in her eyes was unbearable. But her eyes were most beautiful when she saw him.They danced playfully, sang happily, giggled joyfully and were dizzy with the happiness.


But these eyes staring back from the mirror were not hers. They were hollow and still like death. She suddenly wanted to scream at the person staring at her from the mirror daring her, challenging her 'We'll see who blinks first'. To be able to stare at a person and not blink for hours was her talent. She remembered in college she had dared everyone and no one could beat her. This was her game. She would command the person she challenged to blink and till date everyone had obliged.

The person in the mirror stared back, for a long time neither flinched, then suddenly there was emotion in those death like eyes,instantly tears rolled down her face and then, then she blinked, defeated at last, by self pity.