In her shoes

at Posted by Kusum Rohra
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I guess this is the tittle of a book, but thats how my relationship has become for the last one year. Long one year. A time in which I have turned bitter, sad and am not myself. A time in which I have lived what would be a dream life for anyone, living my life on my terms, making the best of everyday, but have wept almost every night. A time when I have been more confused than ever.

Generally I am never indecisive, in fact most of my friends think I make impulsive decisions, but to me my instinct knows better. So I let my instincts guide me and take all the decisions. But this once, have been suppressing my instinct for over a year now, hoping to God my gut feeling is wrong this time, knowing very well it's never the case.

Almost a year back, one of my closest friend came home to invite me for her wedding, a wedding which was doomed from the beginning. That day I advised her, to ditch the wedding, come and stay with me. I offered her my place and support till she is independent. But she got married and is sad and miserable ever after. Till date I nod sadly thinking that if only she were strong enough to walk away when she could.

Now I am here. In her shoes. And I am worse than her, I am independent, I can take my decision and for a year now my decision has been to put up with the totally unfair, manipulative, paranoid parents of my beau, my decision has been to put a brave front through the day, to laugh to joke and to smile when people ask me so when are you guys planning to take the plunge and then home and cry myself to sleep, to look longingly at children and bite my lip and drink a ton of water to avoid myself from weeping in public. It has been my decision to let my heart ache when I start to think of how this is affecting my parents. It has been my decision to put up with the fact that his parents get to decide if we marry, if we get to be happy or if we get to be a normal couple and reach the point when we wonder what the hell got into us to have married in the first place.

It's been my decision, to ignore the fact that as right he may be in not wanting to dessert his parents, he is equally wrong in letting me suffer for their unfair judgment, it has been my decision to let his parents insult me, my father and still want to marry into that family just because I love him.

I am walking out of it now. And this is here, for the day when this will be over, for the day when there will be peace, for the day when I will have grown out of this pain. For a day when, I can read this and kick my butt, for the day when I will read this and smile at my weakness, until then, my feet hurt from being in her shoes and my heart aches with all the love lost.


unpredictable said...

I know I don't even know you all that well. But *hugs* and may things good and wonderful knock on your door soon enough. You'll discover the meaning of it all. In due course. Stay brave till then and keep the smile on. (all cliched, but true)

Somya said...

All I can say is believe in god and I am sure he'll take care you and would see you though this. I am sure God has something better in store for you. Its very difficult to walk out of relationships but once you have done that believe you cannot plunge any deeper, now you you'll just have to look up. Take care and lot of "hugs*.

Ashish. said...

Shit happens ! Forget it and get on with life. Life is much more beautiful to waste crying ovr 1 incident.

Kusum Rohra said...

@unpredictable: Thanks a ton sweets. I guess I am better already :)

@Somya: Hey girl, thanks a lot,I am keeping it together and I do pray, thats what I have been doing a lot currently. Praying hard for a gun so that I can shoot a few people :D just kidding.

@Ashish: Yeah thats what I aim to do :) only after I kill a few people to vent first :)