When I got married I used the trousseau as my excuse to shop with wanton abandon. I am in general frivolous but armed with an excellent excuse for my reckless spending there was no stopping me, actually when it comes to shopping there has never been any stopping me. So a fortnight before our engagement I was in Jakarta for work and used that opportunity to shop as much as my dad and my husband-to-be and I could collectively afford. When I am shopping, I am quite particular about what I’d like to buy, most often then not, what I like is totally and utterly unaffordable.

For my wedding I wanted a watch that had a big dial, but not too big, a golden belt but not too golden, basically something that looked elegant and not too ornate.  I had a very clear picture in my head of the watch but had still not found it. Basically amongst all the watches I saw I never found what I was looking for, either they were too shiny or too big or too ornate, until of course one day while window shopping in Jakarta I came face to face with a beauty that I thought was only in my head. I gingerly entered the showroom, quietly pointed towards that beauty and tried it on. It was exactly what I wanted; it matched to the tee with the picture I had in my mind, I was ecstatic to have finally found it, until of course…….. I turned to look at the price and gulped. I very very carefully took it off, put it back and ran away from the shop, as fast as I could. I decided to forget about it but it haunted me for days, but I knew I just couldn’t afford it, so well, I turned my attention on the other piece of jewelry that I was very clear about and still hadn’t found; the engagement ring.

I am crazy about diamonds, yes I know they have no intrinsic value and the lust that women have for them is an outcome of some bat shit crazy marketing strategies but the heart wants what the heart wants and mine wanted a solitaire in white gold. I had still not recovered from the sorrow of having to let go of the watch that was made for me and was treading carefully in a mall when I saw it, There it was, b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l; so beautiful that it literally did take my breath away. When I tried it, it sang to me. I am not being poetic here; it really did sing to me, I had to take this one home. The engagement ring was going to be paid for by the lover boy who was soon to be my husband. I quickly called him and in a very gibberish, dizzy and excited voice crooned about finally finding the ring for me.

Upon hearing the price he flatly refused. Now now, I had already been on the this-is-what-you-want-but-can-never-afford trip for the watch I was not under any circumstances going to give up on the ring too. What followed was a series of fights and boy can I fight, but the lover boy just won’t relent and boy can he fight back. Finally I had an idea, for our honeymoon we were doing two trips, one to the mountains because I am an earth person and one to the beach because he is a water person. So I told the lover boy he could cancel one part (obviously the water part) of the honeymoon and buy me the ring instead. On the grounds that I was clearly delirious to even suggest cancelling a part of the honeymoon for a ring the lover boy still did not relent. So well, I had to take the this-is-what-you-want-but-can-never-afford trip for the ring too. I have seen too many solitaires before and after that one, but none of them sang to me, sigh.

So anyways, the lover boy got me a ring that suited his pockets. Our engagement was 3 days before our wedding and after the wedding we waltzed away to our double honeymoon, which turned out to be a double trouble honeymoon because we missed our flights to Bali and had to rebook our tickets and we ended up paying a whole lot of money for that, money that was enough to have bought me the ring.

Maybe I shall post someday about the whole honeymoon fiasco but coming to the point of the post, if the lover boy had relented and cancelled the Bali trip for my ring, today I’d be wearing the ring and we’d have been to Bali with the money we had to shell when we missed our flights. That way we’d both be happy. I wonder if there is a statutory period after which husbands can go scot-free for all the pain they cause, but even if there is, my husband sure will pay very dearly for this one. Grrrrr.

 

That's the worst advice my dear husband Mr. Loony ever gave me. No really. After dating me for years when he finally takes me to meet his parents he advises me to be myself. That could only mean trouble no? I mean an average person would take 5 mins of taking to me to tell that I should never ever be myself if I am meeting 'The Parents'.

So well, I met his parents for the first time during Diwali. We met in a food court (of all places). I am super confident Ms.Loony but then hey it's the guys parents so I was nervous as hell but then I had to be myself as per Mr. Loony so I eased up a bit and started cracking bad jokes under pressure, OK Ok your sniggering is so uncalled for! I agree, I crack bad jokes without pressure too, but that one time it went totally out of control.

Mr. loony in an attempt to show how creative I can get brings out this hand-packed fancy basket of D goodies that I had gifted to him earlier in the day. His mom in a very prim and proper social response tells me "Iski kya zaroorat thi beta." to which myself replies "You are right, iski zaroorat nahi hai." and looking at Mr. Loony I say " Wapaas de do isse." His mother of course looked like someone just told her that she was pregnant at the age ripe age of 55 and would really scream out loud. Mr. Loony being used me myself went on admiring the basket without giving a thought to my foot which was stuck in my mouth.

Forever I have been branded by the in laws as the one who has her foot growing from her mouth. This incident has be told and retold to whoever would care to listen, it has been exaggerated to an extent where some of his family members look very disappointed when they meet me and find foot on my leg which is on the ground. Heh. So girls please note, being yourself is all dandy but not when you are meeting his parents, when you are meeting his parents only two things should be done; smiling and nodding while looking at the floor. Trust me you will thank me for this one.

This super hilarious post reminded me of how facebook also tries to mess with me. I mean have you guys noticed sometimes on the right hand side it produces the picture of the most meek in your friend's list and asks you to 'Poke him'! I do not want to poke any of my friends, stab with a steely knife maybe, but poke, never.

I mean helloooo just because I occasionally hit the husband doesn't mean I am violent, on the contrary I am very very non violent and docile.I don't get the poking bit at all, why poke? I mean I can understand stab with a steely knife or tie around a pole and electrocute , or *eyes shining* dip in boiling water er sorry I got carried away, what good is a simple poke I ask.

Then there is the other ads it has, from the friend list it will pick the most irritating person and it will as to reconnect with him. I get online on Facebook at least for 10 minutes daily and still if I have chosen to not connect to that person there is a reason. Then there are other irritating things Facebook says, 'Say hello', 'Help her find her friends' er no thanks, 'Share the latest news' there is NO news and so on and so forth, these social networking sites have their leetal ways of messing around, don't they.

7.00 am: it's 7.00 am already!! :( Ok so I have to get up make breakfast, make lunch, pack our snacks *deep sigh* but I feel like a zombie *zzzzzzzzz*

7.10 am: I really should get up now, I have to reach work by 9.30, finish the damn thingie I am working on by 11.00 am. Just the thought of being at work is making me sleepy *zzzzzzzzzz*

7.15 am: Er, if I make Dal and Rice, instead of subji roti for lunch and ask the hubby to make breakfast then I can sleep another 10 mins :) decided then, dal and rice it is :) *zzzzzz*

7.18 am: But it's not good, I am becoming very very lazy and taking too bloody much advantage of the hubby, God I feel like I haven't slept at all! *zzzzzzzzz*

7.21 am: Wait a min!! I really haven't slept much, what time did we go to bed last night? 5.00 am or 5.30 am, I really need to stop watching movies all night, *sigh* how do I get myself out of bed now *zzzzzzzzzz*

7.25 am: Wait a min! I saw movies all night, all night? Er, why, er it was a Saturday, so today is Sunday so er I can *zzzzzzzzzz* ...... YAY *zzzzz* YAY *zzzzzz* YAY *zzzzzzzzz* * turned around and hugged the sound asleep husband*

7.30 am: But anyways must make husband make breakfast and lunch and dinner, taking advantage is must for a healthy marriage *zzzzzzzzzzz*

Such an torturous half an hour I spent early Sunday morning all because my mind which is not supposed to be existing in the first place lost track of what day it was :)

Since I am a working housewife (do you realise how much I harp on this, full footage I want from the fact that I slog so much to earn money for buying diamonds and feed the husband to make him fat and ready for the kill. heh) I like to try and make sure I can cook in the least required time. If you have cooked 4 meals a day, regularly and are looking for adding variety then you know that one of the toughest and time consuming activities is deciding the menu and to avoid wasting time in this activity I hereby present to you the 'Menu of the week' hung carefully on our fridge with my lovely fridge magnets :) This saves me time every day and is handy every Saturday when I am shopping for the coming week. I know, I know what you all want to say; What an idea loonyji * smiling from ear to ear *

Last time I was to come to Indonesia, I had to postpone my trip by a few days since one of my pre-marital ceremonies, the lover boy's birthday and his thread ceremony all were during that same week. The very same floor for which I was booked in the Marriot was blown up in a bomb blast. Had I not postponed my trip I would have died. Scary.

This month during my second visit while I was in a meeting, suddenly I looked up to notice that the Operations Head of my client's team was under her desk. I must say I love Indonesian people for their little quirks but this was a little too much so I yelled at her saying "Hey is that a new operatinal process?" to which she replied "NO! this is an earhtquake". Holy smoke! Only then did I realise the tremors, my foundation is too strong and my weight too much , you can't easily shake me.

Within seconds we were evacuating the building, coming down from the 12th floor by stairs. There was a pregnant lady right in front of me so there was no running and people respected her speed and didn't panic. By the time we reached the 8th floor the tremors were still strong and the building swayed merrily. We noticed paint cracking on the walls of the under construction building we were in. Thats it. Thats when I choked knowing I would be dying for sure in that massive glass house.

So what do you think would be your last thoughts if you knew you were gonna die? Would you think of your family? Your lover? Would you be thinking of God? I don't know, but the first thought that came to my mind was 'My God, the many hajaar rupees Lehenga that I have bought for my wedding reception would go waste now.' Talk about being loony. Well the next I am calculating my life Insurance amount and wondering if natural calamity is covered by my policies *Notes down: Check your bloody policies woman! *

By the time I reached the ground floor I had calculated the amount, I had to just add the sum assured in the two policies I hold, but with the world trembling under my feet it took a very long time to do that :). When we were standing in the emergency assembly area we could still feel the earth trembling under us. I wondered if it was a figment of my imagination but people around confirmed the ground still grumbled. I have been told this was the longest the tremors have lasted in a very very long time.

Once it all settled down and I was back in my hotel room on the 31st floor in the very comfortable Mulia Senayan, I wondered how would I ever get down to some safe level if something were to happen again. My knees buclked up thinking of the tremors * phew* For now it is business as usual. But what is it with Indonesia? It's a nice place. The people are slow and easy, generally very peaceful. So why is it that every visit of mine is marked by life threathing events such as bomb blasts or earthquakes? I think that by the time this project goes live I will surely die in one of such incidents and my lovely lehenga would indeed be wasted * sobbing meekly*

In about a month I would be getting married, so as a very demure and shy (get rid of the grin people) bride-to-be I thought it is necessary to book a super sexy place for the wedding night. My first choice was a place in town, I just love South Mumbai. But travelling to the domestic airport for flying the next day to the honeymoon destination * trying to blush * from South Mumbai can be a pain, hence after careful consideration of various things (read king size bed and sea view) that are to be considered for booking a good place for the wedding night I decided Taj lands End was a good option. As a true sindhi I wanted to see if I could get some good offer. Their website lists too many option to be useful hence I decided calling them would be the best way to get a good deal. Ha!
The shy demure bride-to-be: Hi I am Kusum, I would like to book a room for my wedding night, I would like to know if you have some good offer going on for a two night stay.
After going through the endless useless offers the conversion came to the most useful and relevant offer Taj could have:
Person on the reservation desk: Hi Kusum, we have another offer (for the sake of simplicity let's call it WAAH TAJ.) which will be very good for your wedding night stay.
Me(feeling very excited and shy as well): Great what all does it include?
POTRD: Free use of the club facilities such as gymnasium, sauna etc.
Me(feeling very disappointed that the POTRD too is pushing me to the gym): What else does it include?
POTRD: Choice of newspaper's
That's it, I was laughing so hard in my head I could not hear what she said after that, I mean what the hell is wrong with these people. Why exactly would a offer which gives you your choice of newspapers and free use of the gymnasium would be relevant or even useful to a couple on their wedding night!! Isn't that supposed to be relevant after the fourth day of the honeymoon? He will read the paper and I will go work out in the gym. At least for the first four days and no more, with the way things are four days should be enough for us to realise saala kidhar phaas gaye hum ;)

A friend suggested that I could make exotic lingerie out of the newspapers, but then I realised if I do that the chances of the hubby falling asleep while trying to read a lingerie are quiet high and then just out of frustration I might actually hit the gym. Heh heh, so for now Waah Taj is surely a No Taj for me. Any good ideas from you my dear readers which do not include newspapers and gym?

Since my marriage is planned for later this year, today is my last birthday as a single, sexy, smart, superra (I went to chennai, remember?), sweet, sensational, lovely, most amazing, superra (oh I already said that one) OK I'll stop here stop rolling your eyes people! I must say it's been one of the best birthday ever. It began with a lovely bowl full of pink carnations and a cake being delivered at my door ordered by the lover-boy-soon-to-be-husband from Chennai and ended with dinner at Hyatt, the place where I've religiously donated most of my salary month on month. I have a strong feeling the lover boy is being naughty and is dating some madrasi chick in Chennai, I see no other reason for him to send my favourite flowers and a cake, our marriage is fixed and he is a sindhi! Only an affair would explain such behaviour on his part. I will surely get to the bottom of this *rubbing chin and eating gajar in karamchand style *. Anyhoo another most lovely surprise was a treasure hunt my friend who is staying over at my place organised. She handed me the first chit which has the clue for the second chit and so on and so forth I ran around my house looking for my gift which turned out to be a very sweet idol of Radha Krishna which she hopes I will keep in my new house as a married madrasi auntie :) without such friends where would we be now!

As if friends and family weren't enough even strangers made my day. Congress did their best to surprise me, but I had sort of anticipated the rise in Sensex. So here is me saying cheers to my last birthday as a Miss. I will Miss thee my dear single hood. Here is one more picture of the lovely Carnations coloured with the cheating boyfriends guilt. The image quality is not too great as it's taken on my new cell phone which is again gifted by the lover boy, wait a minute, I can see clearly now, he definitely is cheating on me! *jumping with joy * If he is cheating on me, maybe my single hood won't end after all! YAY!

The bindaas bum-baiya er that is me is stuck in Chennai to spend sometime with the love of my life. * sigh * of all places I am in Chennai on holi. However instead of being sullen I decided to make the most of the sambhar-idli-vada situation I am in. My parents always gush about how I was a very fast learner and keeping up to my bachpan ka habits I am learning very fast to survive in chennai too.

Now the most difficult thing about being in chennai is dealing with the dark, sweaty, lungi clad auto rickshaw drivers here. But ha! in just a few days I have learnt to deal with them.

Consider this dialogue today:

Me: Besant Nagar, Murugan Idli shop pagatla. (Meaning close Besang nagar close to murugan idli shop)

Auto driver: Something in Tamil which I suppose means: oh you bleedhy Hindi speaking nut I will take you to besant nagar!

Me: Ayevalo (Meaning how much)

Auto driver: Fifty rupees madam.

Me: * Giving auto driver a look that you would give to a kid who has just peed on you favourite newly vaccumed rug * Tch roomba jaasti.

Auto driver: Something in Tamil which I think means: Oh come on! You look like you are from mumbai, you pay such heavy rents there, why can't you just shut up and pay the exorbitant charges I am asking you!

Me: * Still giving him the look which says you disappoint me bugger * No, roomba jaasti. Rs.30 Only.

Auto driver: Something in Tamil which I think means : You are such a mean lady. You can spend on Channel and MAC but you would not support my drinking and I just drink the cheapest stuff available at the local liquor store!

Me: (By this time I get irritated) Poda...poda! (Which means get lost you bugger )

Auto driver: Ok ok Rs.30.

Heheheh you see? I have not become proficient in such bargaining that I have managed to save total of Rs.55 in about a week of me being here, if I stay longer I might just end up saving enuff to buy my own car. Heh! So people the step by step survival techniques can be obtained from the above mentioned conversation.

Step 1: No matter how much the auto quotes you need to give him a very stern * you disappoint me * look.

Step 2: No matter what happens you need to bring down the rate by at least 40 to 50%

Step 3: No matter what happens please do not say poda my Tamil speaking friends have been trying to explain that it is highly insulting specially if it come from women that too beautiful women.

Happy travelling.

I think I am ready to be thrown in one of the loony bins now. Friends who know me know my love for shopping and also my extreme love for shopping knick knacks for my er non existing house (as of now). I have a closet full of these sweet little things that cost some sweet money. I have these jewelry boxes I picked up in Kodai, small knitted scissor cases I picked up from Chennai, fancy wall hangings and the loveliest small show pieces I picked in Faridabad, I have even bought small little kullhars for tea from Calcutta.All to be used when I buy a house fancy enough to use all these collectibles. * sigh * You get the drift.

Yesterday I think I went to far. While browsing through Victoria Technical Institute in Chennai, I fell in love with couple of cute little pink vests for new born baby girls. Now I am not anywhere close to having kids in the next 5 years but still I almost bought them thinking I can always store them for the next 5 years and if I have a baby boy instead of a girl I can always dress him in those cute pink vests with lovely pink handcrafted lace and small rabbits in the centre. * sigh * Someone pliss throw me in a loony bin before I end up buying stuff I will use couple of decades from now, I am running out of storage space!

I always have had a strong feeling that some freaks up there watch me all the time and every now and then they decide to have a laugh or two at my expense. Long ago, in the comforatable land called parent's home, I was a princess, I travelled in a private rickshaw to school and my college was very close to home so there had been no exposure to travelling in Mumbai's local train, which according to me is not a mode of transport but some experiment conducted by highly frustrated aliens. One evening a friend of mine Anju* (another princess like me) and I were returning from a friend's house which was close to the Ulhasnagar station, instead of walking all the way over to the station and crossing the bridge we decided to cross the railway tracks . Now no sensible person should cross the tracks so it would be safe to say we qualified to cross the railway tracks.

It was late in the evening and there were no lights on the tracks. Now Ulhasnagar station has two railway tracks with little space between them and almost no space on the sides. As we walked ahead we realised that there was a train coming on the track we were walking on. We quickly ran onto the other track only to realise there was a train coming on that one too. In a fit of confusion we stupid girls jumped onto the side instead of lying low in the space between the two tracks.

On the side that we were standing was a small gutter and the only way we wouldn't be hit by the train was our standing in the gutter. Anju being the sensible smart princess jumped right in to save her life and I being the loony princess thought it would be better to be run over by the train then stand in the gutter. Hmph. *slaps people who rolled their eyes *

So now the freaks watching me don't like the attitude, they feel it is their prime duty to teach me that 'Jaan hai toh Jahaan hai' (Loose translation: The world is if there is life, er or something like that, anyways I said loose translation, didn't I?) As the train approached Anju shrieked and begged me to step into the gutter, but I refused steadfastly. Her highness would not step into dirty gutter!

The train kept coming closer and closer till it was in my face and the railing of the train hit me first and put me off balance and zhhhhhhhooooooop I dived head first into the gutter * slaps people clapping at the unexpected turn of events * I survived unhurt, not a single broken bone, not a single scratch but fully soaking in the gutter in which I refused to set my lovely feet in. Now I have learnt my lesson no point in avoiding little troubles of life as the people watching me from above will throw me right and very deep into them if I resist. So troubles are now met with a lovely smile and a quick jump :) and it goes without saying I always well almost always use the bridge to cross over a station.

One bright morning a very sweet room-mate of mine came back from the kitchen looking sad and exasperated. According to me our kitchen is a place which people generally are very happy to visit, so I asked her the reason for her exasperation she replied, “This new room-mate doesn’t understand my jokes.” Most sad situation to be in I must say, when you crack a silly pj and have to explain it to people! Kills you.The least people should do is pretend to find your pjs funny! Apparently this sweet room-mate who happens to be a deadly singer (quiet literally, insects die when she sings) joked while gargling that it was time for her morning riyaaz, to which the not-understanding-jokes room-mate responded “Oh, so you do riyaaz?” Tch tch tch.

The sweet room-mate and the not-understanding-jokes room-mate have left and now I live with someone who doesn’t understand my jokes *gasp*. Has anyone of you seen this episode of Seinfeld where he is dating a girl who never laughs at his jokes, I think it was called The switch. I’m living with that girl, no not the one who acted in that episode, duh. I’m living with someone who doesn’t laugh, at least not at my jokes *sigh*. I have recently fallen in love with a pair of Tom Ford sunglasses, which I can order from http://www.apni-aukat-main-reh.com/ however I have membership to only www.boyfriend=cashcow.com so I guessed it's best I ordered from there and for that I have come up with a brilliant plan.

I am not too fond of gold and I don’t see myself being thrilled by a mangalsutra [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mangalsutra]. So I feel that when the boyfriend and I get married and the pandit says “Abhi app vadhu ko mangalsutra pehnao.” He should just put the Tom Ford on my eyes instead of tying the mangalsutra around my neck.

See the sunglasses will definitely be cheaper than any Mangalsutra I pick, so that way I am guessing the boyfriend will be happy to save money if we buy sunglasses instead of mangalsutra and I will be the happiest bride ever wearing my favorite Tom Ford! * beams with joy at the very thought of it *. However when I told this brilliant plan to my new roomie she just looked at me as if I had just told her the number of cockroaches that died since 1986. No laugh, no smile, no expression! Gah! I feel the look on peoples faces when they would see a new bride wearing Tom Ford sunglasses instead of mangalsutra would be very funny but the new roomie apparently doesn't have a sense of humour :(

So, now my only option is to come and tell you people of all my brilliant plans in life. At least I can ass-u-me that you guys laugh while you may actually give those blank irritated looks to your screens. Tch tch tch poor you peoples, look what the Internet is doing to you. Heh.

Edited to add:

A friend from Singapore whose name I must not mention as her husband also reads this blog :D just pointed out that getting sunglasses as mangalsutra will also mean that I will be married only during the day, during the night I can be single and oh so happy ;). Also my marriage will get a seasonal off, during the rainy season I can get naughty. Ah! I always new my ideas are puuurfect!

Last few days have been the worst days of my life. Bad enough to drive me do try crazy stuff. *shudder* I have become bitter, sad and gloomy but then, I sadly smsed my beau "Please try and remember me as I was, and not as the person I have become." I guess it's then I realised it might be a good idea if I tried the same. I was a loony happy hippy person. I can't randomly decide to be happy, but then then I can try to not be gloomy and bitter. The problem in the whole situations is no one intends to hurt other so thats what I will do now on and I hope to God some of you still read this blog, because this was the happiest part and I plan to revive it back again!Right now I feel I am blessed to have my current roomies, Raji and Swapna. They barely know me but have been very very sweet. Making exemptions for my behavior, trying to lift my spirit and best of all just letting me be.